MommyMandy l California Mom Blog

Today was emotional for me

While I had a wonderful day at work and helping MIL out. It was emotional for me. I don’t understand why it comes like it does but the smallest comments will set me off.

I canceled plans I had for this weekend to take the girls to the American Girl Place.  But maybe Pat and I will still take them, who knows.

While I am so excited about my new Nikon… yes that is right for Christmas I bought myself a Nikon D3000. I am so excited for it to arrive, I cna’t wait to start learning to take pictures with it! I know this is considered the “entry level” DSLR but I can’t wait!

Yesterday I took another HPT just to see if the line was fading or what.. it was so light you could barely see it. I know this is what I wanted to see. I know it means the miscarriage is going naturally and I wont need a d&c….. but it doesn’t mean I feel any better about it. I have my days where I feel great and optimistic and other days where I know I won’t ovulate or get pregnant without fertility meds.

My husband can’t wait to add to our family either but he thinks I should take a few months to loose more weight first…. I agree with him… I do… but I have this achy feeling deep inside. I still feel like a piece of me is missing.

Samantha is always happily singing “were going to have a baby again” and while I pray that happens soon, I don’t want to cause her any heartache if it doesn’t happen.

The worst part of this whole thing is I miss my friend so much.  Jillian and I had been friends since Kindergarten and we haven’t talked in months. I miss her more than I could ever explain.  It’s hard when there is one person who I could always turn to and get everything out to was her. That is another little piece of me missing.

Christmas is here and it’s supoose to be the happiest time of the year, time for fmaily traditions and celebrations and I jsut don’t feel like celebrating. I force a smile and pretend to be alright but inside I am screaming. Inside I am crying so hard I’m gasping for air.

I guess if something positive has come from this, I have learned to appreciate my husband for more than I did. I look at him and see what makes me whole, I look at him and see love, and hope. …Memories and the future… I look at him and I see home.

About the Author

Amanda Acuña an influential Mom Blogger. She created MommyMandy as an online resource to the parenting community. She is married to her high school sweetheart and has three daughters, ages 14,11, 5 and a son who is 2. They currently reside in Texas.

28 Responses to “Today was emotional for me”

  1. kristin says:

    That was sweet, Amanda you are a wonderful person. You give a lot! More than you should, and while I’ve made plenty of mistakes I want you to know that I love you. I’m sure Jillian misses you too. The great things about friends, the good ones is that you can always start back where you left off.

    Soon you’ll have your missing piece, it will come! Have faith in the Lord..and lean on him. He will make your path straight. This I am sure of, the Bible tells us so and I’ve lived it, as you have too.

    HUG!

  2. Eileen says:

    Kiddo…you make me weep. I am so sorry all of this has happened. There will be lots of looking back, but many tomorrows with hope and then joy will come. It will…
    Your family sounds amazing…reach out and just ask for a few more hugs.
    I dont know why but this year seems like a lot of people have lost that Christmas spirit…for a lot of different reasons. That’s OK!
    You know…you have some GREAT subject matter with those adorable girls for that camera. Throw yourself into that if you can. I’m sure you will be a pro at it in no time.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose a baby, unfortunately. The hubby and I tried for 4 years and suffered 3 miscarriages before finally having our baby girl.(I have PCOS.) Dealing with fertility issues was probably the single most painful thing I have ever had to go through, and it’s so easy to fall into a deep depression. It can feel very lonely. Very unfair. I know I questioned everything, from my faith to my own actions, like did I cause this, etc… Please know that things will get better. Nothing can erase the pain of your loss, and at least for me, I still grieve my angel babies. Please know that while I may be a complete stranger, I do feel your pain and am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  4. Christine M says:

    I’m so sorry for your lost please know that I’ll be praying for you and that the Lord will give you grace to get through all of this.

  5. april yedinak says:

    I am sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through. I have had 13 pregnancies and I have 3 living children.
    I don’t know about the waiting for the weight issue (since I started having kids I have been as big as a barn, lol), but I think maybe you should give yourself some time to grieve over this loss and a chance to step back and take that much needed breath.
    You shouldn’t waste your time pretending things are alright, either. If you need to cry, do it. Kids are more intuitive and resilient than you think. I know you don’t want them to be hurt, sad or disappointed. I understand that urge to protect from one mother to another, I do, but 1- it only adds to your emotional stress and 2- it can be an important lesson about life, disappointment and the often difficult and winding paths God puts before us. Of course, it is your decision and I never get too deep into discussions about this stuff with really young children, but don’t be afraid to just admit, Mommy is sad today, I could use a hug. It just might be what they need, too. I will pray for you and your family.

  6. @kariellen says:

    I know it has been a long time, but know I am always a call and a 4×4 drive through the snow away (well, if it ever snows up here again… not that I am complaining cuz I am lovin’ the sunshine).
    I’ve been in your shoes twice. My last loss resulted in the hysterectomy so I know a bit of what you’re feeling. If you just want someone to cry with – I can do that too. It does get easier but it never gets easy.
    Much love to you.

  7. JaKell says:

    my thoughts are with you. I know those days oh to well. *hugs* and know you are not alone.
    One of the hardest things has been my kids and their emotions as well, in ways they understand and in others they don’t. I know nothing I can say can make your heart feel better or lessen the hurt and pain. Love and hug those sweet ones you get to cuddle with each day and remember how blessed you are to have them.

  8. Nicole says:

    I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this and send you hugs!

  9. Rosey says:

    Aw, Amanda, my heart aches for you. It sounds like you have a good network of people in your family to help you get through. I am glad you find hope in your husband and I wish you so many good thoughts.

  10. Corinne Kurzmann says:

    Sending you powerful thoughts..remember to grieve and take time for yourself!
    Corinne

  11. Kristin Morris says:

    You are definitely a telented writer, that was a beautiful post. I have been having a rough week myself. Lots of anxiety about a perceived lack of control of my life and just frustration in general with things I can’t contorl is making everything I need to do on a daily basis hard, especially around the holidays.

  12. won says:

    Again, I understand what you wrote. I just hate that song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. Because what if it’s not?

    I don’t leave the house at this time of the year without my ipod. It saves me from hearing happy, jolly, best, etc. piped in through the stores.

    The grieving is a process. It ebbs and it flows. Be gentle with yourself.

    And tomorrow is my precious daughter’s 18th birthday. Good thoughts are welcome.

  13. Sarah L says:

    Up & down & down & up. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Keep that ‘attitude of gratitude’. It makes the days worthwhile.

  14. Jammie says:

    Wow (((hugs))) I came across this post to gain extra entries into a giveaway, but after reading it, I can not post as an extra because that would be selfish of me. I am sorry you are going through all this, I never new you was pregnant let alone the hell you are going through right this minute. I have never been through this so I do not know what to say, I know words cannot take away any of this pain you are feeling. I do sometimes feel the same way you do, I have one child she is 9, I want another one so bad, I stopped taking the pill almost 2 years ago, and every since my body has not been the same. I have a feeling another baby in my arms will not happen unless we go adoption.

    One thing we have to realize though is all things happen for a reason, we may never know that reason, but there is one. I hope you find the strength inside of you to make it through this holiday season with love, joy and happiness those beautiful babies you already have bring you.

    I am praying everything works out for you!

  15. Oh Amanda… such a beautiful heartfelt post. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago and still feel the pain to this day and we were not even trying for a child at the time. I cannot even imagine the pain you are going through at this time.
    Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. HUGS!!

  16. W Wangen says:

    Hang in there, honey. Someone once said the harder you try and harder it gets. I don’t remember what exactly they were referring to, but it applies to my life right now. The harder I try to be happy, the less happy I feel. This is my 5th Christmas alone since my husband packed up and left one night. This used to be my favorite time of year, and he always hated it, making our lives miserable. I decided this year I was decking the halls quite literally, and living my life how I need to, and my kids need that.

    I know it can’t compare to your heartache, but be strong. You have a loving, supportive husband and beautiful daughters who obviously love you very much. God has a plan for you, it may not be in your time, but be sure it will be in His time. But by His grace I keep it together each day. Live in His grace, and the rest will come. 🙂

  17. alissa apel says:

    Is something wrong with the pregnancy? My sister is pregnant. She carries a rare genetic disorder for trisomy 18. She gets her amnio next week. There is risk of miscarriage in getting an amnio, but the doctors feel it is necessary for what she carries. I’m so scared.

  18. Amanda says:

    Thank you all for your wonderful and thoughtful comments. They mean a lot to me and I appreciate them.

  19. Heather H. says:

    Hey Mandy you are so strong, keep on going and I will keep on praying. On the other hand keep on taking beautiful pictures with your new AWESOME camera!!

  20. sasha r. says:

    stay strong! 🙂

  21. Lisa says:

    Amanda I think your grief is going to feel overwhelming from time to time. Your hormones have plummeted and that greatly affects mood as well. After my miscarriage I wasn’t *right* for about 2 months. It will get better with time and you will find your answers within you. Take care.

  22. Debbie Stanton says:

    I can understand that you have to force that smile for now… it’s a process and one day, after you’ve cried many tears and grieved many days, you won’t have to force it… it’s a process. I am praying for you and your family.

  23. Becky Horn says:

    I am truelly sorry for you loss, I have had a miscarriage myself. It is a rough thing to go through. Time will heal you part ways. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  24. Kasey says:

    I’m going through a situation with a friend as well, and oddly enough was thinking about it just as I clicked to read this.
    You’re a good writer. And you’ve got a good perspective on things, I like how you can see the good points but still acknowledge the not so good.

  25. Melanie B says:

    I lost a baby in the Spring after two years of trying. It can be so sad and frustrating at times! I am so sorry you lost your little one. Praying that you are able to conceive your little one soon and that the Lord will bless your family

  26. Margie says:

    The Nikon D3000 is the camera that we have…We’ve had ours for more than a year now.

  27. hippie4ever says:

    I’m so sorry. I will be praying.

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