MommyMandy l Texas Mom Blog

Sisterhood of Sadness

“I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings — I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason — at least none I could discern — other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that’s what everyone’s been telling me. That and “God’s plan.”

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to “mistake” or “misunderstanding.” How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, “It happened to me, too.” Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child – and lost it – could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It’s a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn’t given the choice. But at least I know I’m not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand.”

– Author Unknown

About the Author

Amanda Acuña an influential Mom Blogger. She created MommyMandy as an online resource to the parenting community. She is married to her high school sweetheart and has three daughters, ages 14,11, 5 and a son who is 2. They currently reside in Texas.

25 Responses to “Sisterhood of Sadness”

  1. kristin says:

    It hurts Amanda, I love you! I’ve been through it, I was so scared but I was also further along to where I had to have surgery. Luckily Shannon and Mark where there to be with me, but I’ll always remember the pain. How bad it hurt. I love you and I am so so sorry. From one sister to another!

  2. Jennifer S. says:

    I was just catching up on my reading. I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. Praying for God’s comfort for you and your family during this very difficult time. Hugs to you and God Bless.

  3. hollowsins says:

    This is so true.I have never lost a baby but my sister did and even after almost 10 years,it is still difficult to talk about.I cannot imagine having lost one of my children.What a beautiful tribute to those who have.

  4. stacie says:

    I feel your pain. I joined this group very reluctantly. After trying to get pregnant for 2 years we had done it. On December 11th, 2004, I got my membership card of 2 pink lines. Just 2 short days later, I card was revoked. Then on April 20th, 2005, my card was revoked even before I knew I had received it. I was over 6 weeks pregnant to a perfect little bundle of joy, but it was growing in my tube. This time around I had to have surgery. My little peanut was right at the opening between my tube and uterus. It was developing perfectly, just in the wrong location.

    I tell people that since then, I have not prevented, and finally I have come to terms that God has a plan for us, and if there is a baby in my future, it will be in His time and not mine. It has only taken me over 8 years to get to this point.

    May God bless you and Pat with a 3rd little one to bless your life. hugs.

  5. Idaho Jill says:

    I’m so so sorry for your loss…

  6. Naomi says:

    So sorry, Amanda.

  7. Shaunda Eppes says:

    I also am a member of this group. I had 2 healthy babies before my miscarriage and never thought it would happen to me and when it did I was devastated. The pain has lessened, but definately not gone.
    So sorry for your loss.

  8. 🙁 Amanda I am SO incredibly sorry! I know from our chats how much you wanted this baby 🙁 My heart is with you.

  9. W Wangen says:

    This has always been my fear. Although I was fortunate not to have it happen, my sister did. She lost her first and then almost again on Mother’s Day with my niece. Fortunately my niece made it, and is now kicking the boys around the hockey rink.

    I am so sorry for all the lost little souls that never got to see their moms and dads. You ladies are so strong and I admire you.

  10. hannah says:

    My heart hurts for you and the many,many other women who have had to suffer this loss. May God comfort you as only He can!

  11. Cassie says:

    Wow, I am just catching up on all my blog reading. I am so sorry Amanda. I hope many blessings will be sent your way.

  12. Terri S. says:

    Amanda, I am very sorry for your loss. My daughter had hoped to have a sibling for her first daughter and sadly became a member of this club. Like you, she had no idea that many of her friends & relatives suffered the same pain until after her loss they told her about theirs. It was a very difficult time for her. A few months ago she gave birth to her second daughter and is very happy. I said a prayer for you. May God be with you and give you strength.

  13. jakell says:

    just got ready to work, checking my e-mail and came across your post. Now my make-up is smeared as I sit here in tears. How I feel your pain as it brings bag the flood of memories just a few short months ago. I lost my sweet angel baby at 9 1/2 weeks on July 18th 2010, it was one of the hardest things I have gone through. I agree, no one can really know the heartache and pain unless they have been there. Its miserable, I tear up and it hits me at the oddest times. I recently found out I am expecting and due exactly one day shy of a year from the day I lost my baby. I am scared, nervous, afraid. Its hard to be excited and bond with this baby inside me in fear it won’t last as well.The pain is real and its there each day of the way I felt and what I went through. I too never thought I would be the 1 in 5 to experience the sad outcome of a miscarriage. I too hate the word and wish they had a better term. During infant awareness month my kids drew pictures and wrote cute little love notes to our angel baby we put them in balloons and sent them up to heaven. It meant alot to them and helped in their sadness as well. Wishing you the best and praying all works out for you in the future.

  14. {{{hugs}}}
    I’m a Mommy to 3 living miracles sharing my life here on earth and 3 more precious babies awaiting us in Heaven.

  15. MCC says:

    I can only imagine the pain. 🙁 I am so sorry you had to go through that, but your story is beautifully written.

  16. Gianna says:

    I am so sorry for your loss 🙁
    It’s a pain that never goes away. I’ve lost two and think of what they would have been like often. The first time it happened I was pregnant for the very first time. I’ve spend each pregnancy since terrified the whole time with worry. I will keep you in my prayers *hugs*

  17. clarissa says:

    another group member here. My membership has been revoked more than once. My first was my 3rd pregnancy. I never ever thought it would happen to me. I don’t know why, ignorance I guess. It wasn’t until it happened I realized how common it was. But that has never stopped me from blaming myself for it. I was 8 weeks along. I came to dread those weeks of the first trimester…that was the unsafe period..the time anything could happen. I love being pregnant before that miscarriage. Loved every part of it. Now I lost the joy of those first weeks. When I was on my 5th pregnancy, what would have become my 4th child, I got past those first weeks and began to blissfully enjoy my pregnancy. Then I went for my 20 week ultrasound (I was technically 19 weeks) and found out my baby was no longer living. I had to go and be induced and deliver a dead child. Now all my joy of pregnancy has been replaced with fear. There is no safe time anymore for me I think. I worry constantly. My first thought when I get up in the morning is worry and I fall asleep with worry each time I am pregnant. I wish I could have my ignorance and bliss back.

  18. victoria lester says:

    You have turned something positive out of your experience. You have the verbal and writing skills to help others understand what you once had went through. The membership card is a scar but look at it (if you can) as a way of a strong willed group of women coming together and sharing intimate periods of their life and having the ability to share with the world to help heel others. I haven’t went through this but your words chime in moving forward with your family.

  19. it is a SILENT group for sure – I have had 3 miscarriages – so sad, hard to think about – keep trying!!!

  20. Debbie Stanton says:

    I am so sorry for your loss… and praying for God’s grace and healing for you and your family.

  21. Lisa says:

    So sorry for your loss. I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child this time last year. Sadly at my 12 week OB appt, I found out I had lost the baby around the 10th week. There were no signs at all of a loss. They called it a missed miscarriage. I was devastated! I had three healthy babies so I could not understand why I had lost this one. I feel God was trying to tell me something. You are right that this is something never forgotten. My pain has numbed but my heart still burns when I think of the loss.

    Remain strong and know you are not alone!

    Lisa

  22. Laura H. says:

    I, too, am a member of the Sisterhood of Sadness. I had had two normal pregnancies and then, for whatever reason, I suffered a miscarriage or as the medical community calls it a “spontaneous abortion”. I can still remember that day over 20 years later–from the insensitive comments by the ultrasound technician to the overwhelming sadness that lingered for days. I can remember every gut-wrenching emotion starting with having to sign the consent for the “spontaneous abortion”. I, at first, refused to sign it because I was not there “to have an abortion” but after some kind words from my husband and a very empathetic nurse, I was able to sign the form. Nothing anyone can say or do can ease the loss. But I was able to have another normal pregnancy after the miscarriage which allowed me to reconcile that the miscarriage was a “freak of nature” and there wasn’t anything I could have done differently to change the outcome. My heart goes out to you!

  23. toni jensen says:

    I feel your pain and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I loss my baby at 18 weeks of pregnancy when I went in for my checkup so I could get my ultrasound to see what I was having they found no heart beat and rushed me in the next day to induce me to remove the baby. I felt my baby kick, hiccup, move so it was very hard I didnt have a supportive husband at the time my husband could care less I am so glad yours was there for you. I know its hard and you will never forget mine happen over 10 years ago and I still cry on its due date and the day they told me and removed my baby. The pain lessens yes but its still hard. I went on to have 4 kids after that but I was a nervous wreck with every pregnancy until they were delivered healthy I took no ones word that they are healthy and were a great pregnancy no chance of misscariage I lost one after the misscarriage times whats to say I wouldnt again. I was lucky not to have to deal with that again though I didnt have all preterm labors after that. I miss my baby still and I know you will to. Its unfair but we keep going. YOur words hit me deeply

  24. won says:

    None of us want to be here.

    I’m sorry you are. So sorry.

  25. Eileen says:

    STill backtracking and having a hard time reading this…as even if so very many years ago, I remember it well. You are such an amazing writer and even though you are in such pain, your words are helping so many others. So even though there is heartache in what some call God’s Plan, you are a tool used in connecting that Sisterhood…a Sisterhood of pain sometimes and joy others. I dont think I will ever leave this place. I am an old mom, but I do so enjoy your writing…even if now it is very painful for you. mama hugs!

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